Bloody Oath

Doctors blame Coalition for Twitterhea

thebloodyoath — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:32:33 +0000

Doctors have blamed the Federal Coalition for an increase of Twitterhea – an illness, now found in the Twitter vernacular, that causes people to spout endless streams of diabolical, 140-character nonsense.
Melanie Smail, a doctor from Sydney, said: “One user came in with twitching thumbs and verballed me about how the Coalition had voted some clown in as their leader… and how she had to get back to inform the world what was happening because newspapers were sooooooo slow.
“It was aweful, she stuttered and we had to put her on a Twip – an intravenous drip containing supplements of no more than 140 characters.”
According to independent twanalysts, more than 2,000 Australians were committed to twospital twuffering from Twitterhea during the Coalition’s hilarious meltdown last week.
Chief of the Australian Medical Association, Jane Sumner, said cases of Twitterhea were most common among journalists and middle class people who felt they had something very important to say but couldn’t restrict it to just 140 characters and ended up gushing shit.
“A lot of them would have tried to write a novel and failed; they want to advocate their great senses of humour, unique insights and powerful opinions. I suppose Twitter has given us a way of hoarding all of these pricks in one place, so we should be thankful for that.”

Kidman’s face to feature on footballs for World Cup bid

thebloodyoath — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:38:54 +0000

Australia has agreed to scan Nicole Kidman’s face on all tournament footballs if it wins the bid to host the 2018 World Cup.
In a sign that Football Federation Australia will go to any lengths to host the world’s largest sporting event, organisers said each tournament football will feature Kidman in one of her leading roles, except the film Australia, which was shit.
FFA event co-ordinator, Jim Salt, said: “She’s an Australian icon and what better way to honour her iconic-ness than putting her face on a football and allowing footballers from all over the world to kick at it.”
Organisers for Australia’s World Cup bid said that they would have to be careful not to give teams an unfair advantage.
“For example, teams playing with a football of Nicole Kidman in Days of Thunder might kick the ball harder, than, say, those that play with one featuring her Oscar–winning performance in The Hours,” Salt said.
Tourism Australia said it would run a campaign to support the World Cup bid featuring Kidman in an outback town that she’s clearly never been to before, dribbling around a small group of Aboriginal children with Hugh Jackman in goal.
Rob Warner, a sports fan from Cairns, said: “I’d score a goal from 30 metres if her face was on the ball… put Tom Cruise on it as well and you can call me Del Piero.”

Voters call for Royal Commission into Steven Fielding

thebloodyoath — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 06:06:09 +0000

Australian voters have called for an urgent Royal Commission to be held into Steven Fielding.
Unhappy with the Family First senator’s childlike antics and media whoring, voters across the country have released a statement today asking how the fuck a civilised democracy could allow such a tit to make decisions about anything.
The Royal Commission, which voters hope will be held next year, will include investigations into how his family and friends allowed him to get away with being such an irritating prick, and who was responsible for his penchant for stealing everyone else’s thunder.
Royal Commission expert, Peter Chambers, said: “Bringing Them Home was a landmark report into the Stolen Generation; Sending Him Home will be, one hopes, a defining legal document that bans half-wits like Fielding from taking public office… if all goes according to plan we’ll have a shoot-to-kill policy enshrined in the Australian constitution.”
In his five years in the senate Fielding has made a name for his wardrobe skills, including disguising himself as a cabbage to highlight grocery prices and dressing up as a dick and a vagina to campaign against gay marriage.
Political analyst, Henry Buckwell, said: “I don’t want to even hear his name, he annoys the fuck out of me.”

Abbott’s appointment could replace Christmas Day for lefties

thebloodyoath — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:16:58 +0000

Members of the Labor Party will consider replacing Christmas Day with Tony Abbott Day – to celebrate the moment the Coalition unhinged itself and voted for the man most likely to lose an election.
From 2010 instead of Christmas, Labor members and lefties around the country will congregate and cheer as reruns are played of the moment when a party spokesman confirmed that Abbott had been elected, and not either of the Australian public’s preferred options.
Janet McLeish, a lefty from Leichardt, said: “We’ll drink lattes and have a tree shaped like Tony Abbott’s head and we’ll all wear masks and Speedos and recite soundbites from his press conference… it’ll be a time for families to come together and laugh at all the wrong decisions the Coalition party made.”
Event organisers predict that Tony Abbott Day could become a hit with lefties looking to bore other people with obvious statements of fact and radical leftwing thought including the theory that John Howard created racism in his mother’s basement.
James Prince, a leftwing event organiser, said: “We could easily get David Marr to do a talk and get some canapés and chardonnay and discuss the horrible plight of African countries… then have a workshop on community sustainability. It’ll be just fab.”

We’ll have him gift-wrapped please, says Rudd

thebloodyoath — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 01:08:22 +0000

The Rudd Government has requested that Tony Abbott be gift-wrapped just like any other Christmas present.
In a sign that Labor is ecstatic at the result of this morning’s leadership spill, Kevin Rudd said Abbott should be supported by bubble wrap, not Julie Bishop.
A Labor source said: “Wow, I’m pissing myself with laughter, excitement and joy all rolled into one… this is like all my Christmases at once. Ah, the Liberals… I think they should change their slogan to ‘We’re the gift that keeps on giving’.”
Tony Abbott won the close leadership contest after a number of confused Liberals denied the existence of the paper on which the ballot was to be cast, allowing for a surprise resurgence in support for Malcolm Turnbull.
But in a press conference to which he wore just flip flops and a thong, Abbott lied that he’d be a consensus leader but added that he could unite party members to establish the colour of shit. On the devisive issue of emissions trading and climate change he said: “Look over there, it’s a bat.”
James Dickson, from the Centre for Political Studies, said: “Abbott’s a master at listening to people with differing points of view, then completely ignoring them and saying the first right-wing soundbite that comes into his egg-shaped head. I fully expect this party to provide endless entertainment going into 2010… they should have their own pay-per-view channel.”

Coalition to do massive sex scandal next

thebloodyoath — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:17:25 +0000

The Federal Coalition will likely line up a humungous sex scandal next, it has been announced.
In an effort to keep the media spotlight fixed permanently on the Opposition, sources said that a prominent figure within the party will ‘do a Rann’ and film himself having dirty, consensual sex with a waitress on his desk.
Political analyst, Tom Smilie, said: “It’s a bit like Clinton in reverse, he needed to stop the media talking about him poking some chick with a cigar, so he launched a blitz in Somalia. The Coaliton needs something bigger… maybe a political three-way on YouTube.”
Sources close to the party said they had conjured up several ways of diverting the political agenda from climate change including telling the media to “look over there”, but Mike Rann’s strategy was faultless.
Spin doctor, James Averall, said: “His image was tiring, it needed a makeover… next thing you know we’ve got him pounding some broad six ways from Sunday. Slam dunk. Job done.”

Channel Ten to consider Coalition Idol

thebloodyoath — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:48:29 +0000

A reality show where Australia’s up and coming right-wing politicians vie for the helm of the Coalition Party has emerged as the best way of solving the ongoing leadership saga.
Coalition Idol will begin auditions next Saturday in Adelaide, by shortlisting a number of white men and cougars with mullets.
Contestants initially will be asked questions such as whether Australia was settled peacefully or by mass culling of brown people and what coffee they preferred. Latte drinkers will be tasered in the balls.
Chris Border from Channel Ten, said: “Coalition Idol will be a truly democratic way of getting to the country’s inner Klu Klux Klan… imagine the nutjobs that will enter, it’ll be fucking awesome TV.”
Paul Klein from the Centre for Democracy, said: “Although it’s a form of democracy, opening up politics in a way we’ve not seen before, I am a little frightened about what types of hideous red-necks will come out of the woodwork. I’m talking about Gerry Harvey and Tony Abbott’s lovechild.”

Reports: Tiger woke up with Nike-sponsored gash in his forehead

thebloodyoath — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:18:29 +0000

Tiger Wood’s wife used a pitching wedge to his car after securing a good lie with an eight-iron from just outside the couple’s mansion, sources have said.
In another twist witnesses have claimed wife Elin Nordegren even used a caddie as she left her home in Isleworth near Orlando to smash in Tiger’s face.
“What surprised me was how exquisitely composed her swing was, she kept a very straight back and never took her eye off his back window until it had fully caved in,” a witness said.
According to police reports, Woods was reversing out of his home and hit a fire hydrant, a tree and a dog before losing consciousness and waking up with a Nike-sponsored gash in his forehead and a golf ball in each cheek.
A national magazine reported that the golf legend had ‘fallen into’ a stunning blond while staying at the Crown Casino in Melbourne, but a close friend said he had merely been refining her swing.
“Tiger loves nothing more than a hotel visit from a smoking hot blond who’s prone to shanking balls off the tee,” he said. “Ultimately all we’re talking about is a few pointers in how to keep your eye on his balls and follow through.”

Abbott ‘not hung enough’ to be Opposition leader

thebloodyoath — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:34:50 +0000

Tony Abbott may not have big enough balls to be leader of the Opposition, according to political groin analysts.
A poll conducted since pictures emerged of Abbott in Speedos over the weekend has confirmed that seven out of 10 Australians think he’s not hung enough to lead and would struggle to challenge the Rudd Government.
Patrick Jesmond, a voter from Blyth, said: “Anyone running for office should never adorn Speedos, its tantamount to getting your tiny nuts out in Parliament, pulling them between your legs and pretending you’re a girl, like that dude in Silence of the Lambs.”
Tim Westfield, Political Balls Analyst from Queensland University of Technology (QUT), said: “Research has revealed that most politicians who gamble with their careers via Speedos, do so knowing that they’ve crafted enough of a tough-man image to weather the negative backlash that wearing them inevitably brings. Putin for one: everyone knows he’s got Stuart Little between his legs, but then he executes his enemies.”
Westfield added: “Abbott should really have thought seriously about the impact his small nuts would have on his ambition. It could cost him his seat.”

Hockey prepares for leadership by selling his Prius

thebloodyoath — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:49:35 +0000

Opposition leader-in-waiting Joe Hockey has been forced to sell his wife’s Toyota Prius in a sign that he is readying himself to take over as leader of the Coalition.
As part of his pact with the Coalition’s right wing sources told The Oath that Hockey agreed to get rid of the hybrid electric vehicle he bought while working for Malcolm Turnbull.
Hockey has also replaced all energy efficient lightbulbs in his Sydney home and will begin driving to work in a stretched Hummer.
Jame Gartner, Political Energy Analyst, said: “Politicians tend to move with the times and the moods, which is another way of saying they don’t really stand for anything and will say whatever gets them what they want.” Coalition sources said that Hockey’s Prius was ironic and in no way suggested that he believed in anthropogenic global warming, but proved that he had the kind of humour that was worthy of an Opposition leader.
“All of us have in some way shown our disgust at the lefty, latte-drinking climate change lobby with ironic gestures that ridicule this movement… Peter Costello has ironic solar panels on his home in Victoria, John Howard ironically stopped eating meat to protest the green lobby and Alexander Downer wore a G-string for a week.”